Harry Potter and the Average Asian
by Smerby
Summary: The worst parody ever written! Includes a mysterious exchange student, snogging, a new enemy... oh, and rice! Essentially just one big, long... inside joke. Story is now complete.
1. The First Chapter

**Notes:** Characters copyright to J.K. Rowling, except the new "addition." Ooh, WHO COULD IT BE?! Please note that future content may offend... so if you're easily offended, or epileptic, please stop reading for your own health and safety. Enjoy!

**Further notes:** I wrote this story several years ago, basically for a few friends, about one particular friend. So, I apologize for missed references-- this is a great deal an "inside joke" story. However, I do lampoon other such self-insertion fanfics, as well as parodying the basic Harry Potter world. And with that, I hope you find some enjoyment in this story! Thanks for stopping by!**

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**Harry had arrived at Hogwarts for his sixth and…. final?!?… year. Because of the past year's events, which don't need retelling, or you shouldn't be in the Harry Potter section, Harry had been heavily protected. I can't reveal what exactly had happened to him in the summer, how he was protected, or how he got to Hogwarts without talking to Hermoine or Ron... but he did. With the thoughts of his overprotection in his head, Harry arrived in the Great Hall much earlier then anyone else. He had a guilty feeling of superiority for his special treatment, but that didn't overpower him as much as his eagerness to see what Slytherins hadn't been pulled out of Hogwarts over the summer. It was rumored that Pansy Parkinson would be the first not returning.

As carriages pulled by really ugly horses arrived at the gates of Hogwarts, Harry sat in a seat at the Gryffindor table. He noticed several regal looking witches and wizards positioned at all doors. They were dressed in what looked like military uniform in the form of robes. There must have been ten to each door, with twenty or so patrolling the Great Hall.

"Blimey!" Harry exclaimed more in an Australian dialect than English. "They made a great deal to keep Hogwarts secure... but do they really think this will stop Voldemort?"

"Talking to yourself, Potter?" Severus Snape said quietly behind Harry. "I understand a lack of contact with your friends would cause a problem. But is it necessary to satisfy your constant need for attention by showering it upon yourself?"

"Um... No." Harry said, wishing more then ever he could have arrived normally, avoiding conversations with professors-- particularly Snape.

"I will not start off a most likely difficult year with your insolence. 50 points from Gryffindor."

"School hasn't even started yet! How can you take away points?!"

"Because I'm me. Do please continue with that tone. Your house should enjoy having negative points before they even come through those doors."

Harry muttered something under his breath, but before Snape could press further-- obviously being free of nothing to do--, Professor McGonagall stepped forward.

"Potter, I had sent Professor Snape over to bring you to me... but obviously he had something else to tell you?"

Snape sneered, which caused a rather large booger to drip out of his nose. He quickly turned and walked away without a word. A large puddle of snot was left in his wake.

"Potter, there was more than the... obvious reasons, why you were brought earlier then the other students." Professor McGonagall said stuffily.

"…?" Harry said.

"Harry, although it is rarely... basically never done, we have gotten an exchange student to Hogwarts. You might wonder why at such a paranoid and difficult time we'd allow someone in, but we have good reason. This student is from the Philippines… well, America, actually. She is here to aid in your added protection. Don't give me that look, you can't be so thick as to think you haven't proven you need it. She's the equivalent of our very own Hermoine Granger in grades, and has a wide knowledge of martial arts. She'll be continuing her studies here, and we have other reasons for her exchange."

"Well... ok." Said Harry, a little thunderstruck. "What other reasons?"

"Don't be pert, Potter. Those need not concern you." She replied. "Goodness, I'm already late for the first years. Before I go..." McGonagall said hurriedly, turning around. She turned around, bringing someone forward.

"Harry Potter, meet April Garcia."

"Hiiii guys!"

**... To be continued!**

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**Note: **Ummm... yeah. This is kind of one of those "insiders" you hate to read, because you don't know what the hell's going on. But... too bad! It's not supposed to be serious, so don't start ranting that "THIS COULDN'T POSSIBLY HAPPEN. WHAT WERE YOU THINKING." I know, it's not supposed to be... legit. Actually, though, go ahead and flame that way, because at least I'll get a review! But... thanks for reading! Sorry if this has offended anyone, but none-the-less, thanks for reading and please R&R.

**(Revised 11/24/07)**


	2. Overworked Snapes

"Um... hullo, April." Harry said, stunned and appalled.

The exchange student started giggling.

"Er... if you don't mind me asking... what's so funny?"

April finally stopped, after much deliberation. "Sorry! I'm April. What was your name again?"

"Harry… Potter." Harry said, raising an eyebrow. "Well... since you're... staying at Gryffindor? Yes, must be. Follow me, since the school's coming in."

April followed Harry to the Gryffindor table, as hundreds of students filed in to their tables. Their robes were miraculously dry after coming in from what seemed to be a yearly hurricane. Hermoine and Ron led the pack, running to Harry, grinning widely. Ron had gotten taller, and might never stop growing. Hermoine's hair looked smoother, but probably because the rain had weighed her hair down.

"Hullo chaps!" Harry said in uncharacteristic speak.

As they returned the greeting, including a big hug and groping from Hermoine, Harry turned to introduce April to them. But she was gone! Harry looked to see her chatting it up with a Ravenclaw who had wandered over.

"April! Come meet my friends!" Harry called over the din of the Great Hall.

"Ooh, sorry Harry!" April said and skipped back. "Hii guys! I'm April."

"Hullo April." Both Hermoine and Ron said, both looking a little confused. Well, Ron looked especially confused.

"Let me explain." Explained Harry. Which he did.

After the explanation the four of them sat down, but April took Ron's usual seat besides Harry. Figuring this was only temporary, Ron sat with Hermoine across from the two. The Great Hall looked at the main table as Dumbledore stood up for his usual few words before the meal.

"Greetings students! Welcome to another year at Hogwarts. There need not be explaining to know that the school will be heavily guarded due to the discovering that Lord Voldemort has risen once again." He paused as the Hall winced. Harry looked at April, only to see her too busy looking around to wince. "Continuing on, you should be sure to know that you ARE perfectly safe at Hogwarts. Those with any doubts should keep in mind that any infiltrations in the past were in my absence, or by those who were perfectly innocent, although thought otherwise." Harry winced this time, knowing perfectly well who he was referring to. "Furthermore, many might notice not only the absence of our former 7th years, but certain students who were withdrawn from this school. Not to be alarmed, they themselves have been transferred to other schools, and their business need not concern us!" Many of the students turned to the Slytherin table, noting the absence of maybe five students, including one Pansy Parkinson. Ron nearly choked when he saw Draco Malfoy and his cronies, Goyle and Crabbe, still sitting in their usual seats. Draco looked particularly smug. "And finally, I'd like to introduce the first exchange student ever to come to Hogwarts. An American student from Venificus Academy, I present... April Garcia!"

April stood up, and many people stood up in order to see her at one part of the hall. Much applause was heard. This was something no one had expected, and almost made everyone forget the fear and paranoia of You-Know-Who. Almost, but not quite.

As the applause died down, Dumbledore finished his lengthy speech with, "And before I forget, your temporary Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher will be none other then Professor Snape. And with that, let the feast begin!"

Only the Slytherin table dug in to the meal, which included some American fare. The rest of the hall was speechless, and slowly began eating their meal.

"He said temporary though, so he couldn't possibly be permanent. Either that, or he stays and cracks working two jobs!" Ron said, turning purple with fear. Who needs Voldemort when you're being taught two classes by Snape?

The meal progressed, and the tables were led to their dormitories. All were so tired from the first day's shocking events that there was not a person awake that night. Except Harry.

He didn't need protecting. Why did he need April? Had she survived Voldemore more then five times? Or any other attacks for that matter? He'd ponder it more in the morning, as he was too busy dreaded double Potions and Defense Against the Dark Arts for his first day.

**… To be continued.**

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Note: **Yeah, what the duck, am I right? More to come soon. Sorry for the waste of your time, but please keep reading, and R&R! All things copyright to J.K. Rowling and so forth. Have fun! And if anyone's curious, Venificus, I believe, means magic in Latin. Or it means academy in Latin. Either way, don't question it. Ta ta for now!

**(Revised 11/24/07)**


	3. A Breakfast of Champions

The next morning, Harry was awakened by April.

"Harry! Come with me! I know it's early, but I don't want to go down to the Great Hall alone, and I'm hungry!"

Very groggy, Harry got up and came with her. He threw on a robe and didn't really know what was going on. There was only a little light coming from the windows.

When they got to the Great Hall, Hermoine was the only one up.

"Hermoine, what in the hell are you doing up so early?"

"Actually, Harry, I'm usually up this early, especially on the first day of classes. I only wake up later with you and Ron when we've been up late breaking rules."

April started giggling at this. Both Harry and Hermoine looked at her, aghast at anyone who could laugh so early.

"What's so funny?" They said in unison.

"What exactly is 'breaking rules late at night'?" April said.

"What… oh! Nothing like that!" Hermoine said, blushing.

Hermione realized April was a new addition to their group. What were they going to do? She hadn't experienced anything they had. How could they even talk around her? Let alone, what could they let her know?

"Oooh." April said, trailing off. She went to get some toast.

"Harry... is she... trustworthy?" Hermoine asked quietly, eyeing April, who was looking at the ceiling as she nibbled on toast.

"I believe so. Dumbledore and McGonagall said so. She's not so bad..." Harry said, eyeing April as well.

At that moment, a few owls flew through the windows, dropping off a magazine for Hermoine, and one snowy white owl stopped near Harry.

"'Ullo, Hedwig." Harry said.

Hedwig affectionately nipped off two of Harry's fingers.

"Hermoine, since when did mail come this early?"

"It has before, when I've been up earlier. They'll drop off a few things, as professors are usually here by this hour, in order to be at classes earlier." She nodded at Professors Flitwick and Sprout, each eating heartily and chatting at the head table. "The bulk of the mail arrives when the rest of the students are eating."

"Hmm, never knew that..." Harry said, sitting down and helping himself to a plate of English slop. "By the way, Hermoine, what magazine is that?"

"Oh!" Hermoine said, swallowing her toast. "It's _Herpetology Monthly_. I decided to get it because I've heard the 6th year of Care of Magical Creatures deals mostly with herpetology, so I thought I'd be better caught up with this. "

"Leave it to Hermoine to spend money to learn more. Herpetology is like frogs and reptiles and things, right?" Harry asked, munching some bacon.

"Correct."

"Er... Hermoine… Hagrid teaches Care of Magical Creatures. Do dragons count as reptiles…?"

"I hadn't thought of that, but Hagrid wouldn't do someth--"

Hermoine was interrupted by April.

"Is herpetology the study of herpes?"

Hermoine and Harry sputtered their food. And that was the beginning of the school year with April.

**... To be continued.**

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**Note: **All characters copyright to J.K. Rowling as usual. Sorry for the offenses I'm sure were issued in this story. R&R please! Stay classy! (That would be copyright to Will Ferrell?) Sorry for the short chapter, but no one reads this anyway, so shh!

**(Revised 11/24/07)**


	4. The Hogwarts Stud

**Harry Potter and the Average Asian  
**  
After the main breakfast, students scurried off to their classes. April tagged along Harry, waving and smiling to people who waved back, raising eyebrows. Ron looked at their schedules.  
  
"I still can't get over it. Double Potions our first day, followed by Defense Against the Dark Arts. Could the day get any better?"  
  
As Harry, Ron, Hermoine, and April walked into the dungeon, they were greeted by none other then Draco Malfoy.  
  
"Hey Potter, word is you needed a babysitter. Is that what she's for?" He said, sneering at April.  
  
"You have really cute hair," April said.  
  
"Wha..what?" Malfoy said, blushing. Ron raised an eyebrow as Draco turned and sat with his cronies.  
  
"Hmm, Draco has a little crush." Ron said, feeling smug. "And she's on OUR side!"  
  
With that, the four took their seats. Professor Snape turned to the class and looked down his large nose, and wiped a bit of grease off. It had dripped from his hair.  
  
"I don't care if this is the first day of classes. I'm assigning a group project, which means everyone will be graded, no matter what share they did. You will work in class, and a report will be due by each of you. If even one person slacks a little bit, the entire group will be graded poorly. So no riding on others shoulders." With this he sneered at Harry. "As you know, I will be teaching Defense Against Dark Arts as well. I will expect just as much from you in that class as in this one. Hopefully, things will begin running better around this place. Now, look at the instructions I've most graciously left at your table, and begin. There will be no talking."  
  
"Excuse me, but how can we work together without talking?" April said, raising her hand.  
  
Everyone turned and stared. No one asked Snape a question unless you were a spineless Slytherine.  
  
"Excuse me, Miss Garcia, but I do not accept such insolent questions. 10 points from Gryffindor."  
  
"But sir! She's not technically from Gryffindor!" Hermoine interjected.  
  
"That is enough! 5 more points from Gryffindor. Now continue!"  
  
The Gryffindors were still looking stunned at April, but slowly turned around and began working.  
  
Harry's group included Ron, Hermoine, and April. The next group sat across from them, which included Seamus Finnigan, Dean Thomas, Neville Longbottom, and for some reason Colin Creevey. About 10 minutes into working, April leaned in closer to her group.  
  
"Do you guys think Neville is cute?" She whispered, and began giggling.  
  
Both Harry and Hermoine sputtered and Ron was caught so off guard his arm flung and knocked over both his and Seamus' group's cauldrons. The dungeon erupted into a tidal wave of fire. Snape quickly put out the fire, as Lavender Brown ran around, now actually brown from being burnt alive. Snape was now seething as much as the fire had.  
  
"Longbottom! WHAT is the meaning of this?!"  
  
"But..but..sir! It wasn't me!" He stuttered in response.  
  
"25 points from Gryffindor. Come with me. The rest of you, clean this mess and continue working until the bell." Snape said, pulling Neville by the ear out of the room.  
  
"Awww.." April said, "it wasn't his fault!" April then began giggling hysterically.  
  
Harry, Ron, and Hermoine were still looking stunned. And that's how they were the entire day.  
  
**…..To be continued.**  
  
Note: Yeah, yeah, all characters copyright to J.K. Rowling with the obvious exception of April. This chapter was especially sucky, probably do to my lack of inspiration. I had some, lost it, got it back, and here you go. Thanks for those who have read and commented. Please keep reading and reviewing, and thanks in advance! 


	5. The Asian vs The Asian

**Harry Potter and the Average Asian**  
  
The next day at dinner, which is lunch in the US..I think. Anyway, the next day at lunch, the group of four sat at the end of the Gryffindor table. As April bit into a piece of toast, (they ate toast at every meal of the day) Hermoine turned to her.  
  
"April, if you're of Asian decent, why is your last name Garcia?"  
  
"Oh!" April said, choking on a piece of toast. She then started giggling. After about five minutes of that, she finished what she was going to say. "It's not my real last name. I don't suppose I'm supposed to say anything, but it's kind of extra cover. Not necessarily from wizarding enemies, but in order for me to get into the country."  
  
"Why didn't you use a portkey, floo powder, or apparate?" Ron asked.  
  
Both Hermoine and April answered, "Don't be stupid, Ron!" This resulted in more giggling fits.  
  
Harry and Ron sat stunned. Was Hermoine giggling? April had only been at school a few days, and already Hermoine had lost it. After the lunch bell, April continued with their discussion of her name.  
  
"I actually chose my boyfriend's name."  
  
Ron and Harry sputtered.  
  
"You have a boyfriend?" Harry asked, turning pale. Hermoine glanced at him in a way that might be JEALOUSY?  
  
"Well, sort of." And with this, April began giggling.  
  
After lunch, there was a bit of a longer break in between to the next class. Thankfully, because the next class was Defense Against the Dark Arts. On their way down a corridor, the four saw a group of Ravenclaws, mostly 6 and 7 years. Harry slowed a little as he saw Cho Chang laughing as the others in her group laughed along, especially a handsome 7th year boy. Harry grew paler then normal. He reached a hand out to slow down Ron, but instead put his hand on April's arm. Harry's face flushed. April was looking around. Cho happened to turn her head in Harry's direction at that exact moment, and froze. She stepped forward and her cronies stopped their chatting.  
  
"Hullo, Harry." Cho said quietly.  
  
"Hullo, Cho." Harry replied. Hermoine and Ron backed off a little, but April was still looking around and giggling to herself. Harry's hand was still on her arm.  
  
"Well, I guess I wasn't as nearly important to you as you said." Cho said quietly, almost sadly. She seemed unaware of the main ears listening in.  
  
"What?! Cho, it's been more then a few months, besides you moved on pretty quickly, too. Why are we talking about this now?" Harry said, completely exasperated. April giggled.  
  
Cho shot a look at April, and moved closer to her. "Listen, there's only room for one asian in this school. I happen to be the resident asian, alright?"  
  
Most of the people around gasped. Even Harry had to admit he didn't think Cho could be that mean, even after their fight the previous year. Ron later told Harry that he thought Draco Malfoy had somehow possessed Cho that day.  
  
"Excuse me?!" April said, snapping back to reality.  
  
"You heard me." Cho said, glaring.  
  
"No, actually, I didn't." April said, followed by giggles.  
  
"WHY do you keep laughing? That's it." Cho rolled up the sleeves of her robe, pulling out her wand.  
  
Everyone stepped back, and most of the guys looked eager to see an asian girl showdown. Hermoine, on the other hand, wasn't about to let that happen.  
  
"Cho! Be reasonable. April hasn't done anything to you, and hasn't even been here 2 weeks. Is this how you show Hogwarts to others? Besides, this is between you and Harry."  
  
"Shut up, Granger. At least I've had boyfriends before." An "ooooh" followed that comment. Hermoine winced.  
  
"Actually, Cho, Viktor Krum was and IS still madly in love with Hermoine." Another chorus of "oooohs" followed. Cho winced.  
  
"Look who's talking, Weasley." She shot back. More "ooohs" followed.  
  
"At least I don't have to date younger men!" Hermoine shot back. Everyone stared at Hermoine's retort. The loudest "ooohs" followed, with some clapping thrown in, as most of the upper class study body of Hogwarts had stopped by this point.  
  
April was oblivious to this whole fight, and started giggling. At once Cho's attention reverted back to her.  
  
"Ok, April. Let's go."  
  
As Cho was about to unleash a spell on her, April whipped out a bright pink wand. She quickly made slicing motions in the air and yelled "HIYAH."  
  
Cho stood still motionless.  
  
Everyone stared, waiting to see Cho's reaction. Instead, Cho turned and motioned for her cronies to follow her. They followed, still looking stunned. As they left, Cho called back to Harry that she'd talk to them later.  
  
By this time, the rest of the student body left as the bell was about to ring. Hermoine, Harry, and Ron turned to April.  
  
"What did you do?"  
  
"Nothing really, actually. I just reminded her that we Asians got to stick together."  
  
"O..k..huh."  
  
And that was that.  
  
**…..To be continued.  
**  
Note: Characters copyright J.K. Rowling as usual, except for April. Sorry if this has offended anyone. Also sorry that this story is continuously not getting funny. Also sorry for that huge grammatical error in the previous sentence. Keep on truckin', people. Thanks for reading! 


	6. The Halloween Masquerade Part I

**Harry Potter and the Average Asian**

Weeks passed surprisingly without event once the new school year had settled. The students quickly adjusted to the random giggling fit that was known as April Garcia; thankfully, Hermione never giggled again. As the weeks progressed, the season did as well. Once green foliage began to crisp and soon the great grounds of Hogwarts were brushed with gold, red, and orange leaves that fell from the great trees, as old as the school itself.

With the changing of the leaves came the inevitable Halloween festivities; the great transition from fall to the cold winters at Hogwarts. Halls were filled with wild bats zooming about, until Filch complained to Dumbledore that he was sick of the constant guano landing on his head. No one bothered to tell him during his rampages, that it was actually Peeves flinging "presents" from the Owlery at him.

And, soon enough, it was the day of Halloween. A Halloween Masquerade was held, because a Halloween at Hogwarts isn't quite complete without one. The students were excited, as it was open to 3rd years as well as the 4th through 7th years. And no student was as excited as April.

"I can't wait for the Masquerade Ball! I'm so excited!" April sang in the Gryffindor Common room several hours before the actual event.

Ron looked gloomily over at her. "Sure, sure..you've already got half the 6th year blokes waiting to dance for you..not one girl is going to want to dance with me..I don't even have a costume.."

"Awww!" April cooed over Ron. "Don't worry, you can dance with me! And I'll make you a costume." Ron perked up slightly at this. The two disappeared into the boy's dormitory, leaving Hermione to finish Harry's costume; he was going as a large, black dog.

"Harry.." Hermione said quietly. "Are you sure you want to wear this costume?"

Harry nodded mutely. He felt the least he could do for his dead godfather was dress up as him for Halloween. Hermione sighed in reply, finished suing the dog ears to the headband now on Harry's fluffy head, and went to go change into her own costume.

A few hours later, right before the ball, the Gryffindors began filing down the steps of their dormitories and filing out through the fat lady's portrait. Lavender was dressed as a Veela..at least, Harry guessed, as she was barely clothed..Parvati was going as Cleopatra..Harry lost track of all those coming down, some unrecognizable in their costumes. Harry did note Neville dressed as a toad..or frog..and Seamus was dressed as a leprechaun. As they filed past, they eyed Harry's costume. Neville nodded respectfully, while some looked disturbed that Harry was dressed as a big, fluffy black dog. As they passed, he saw Hermione, Ron, and April.

Hermione smiled, wearing a false pair of buck teeth and her hair at full poofiness. She was going as a beaver. Ron blushed at full force, as he was now dressed as a penguin. April was grinning from ear to ear at her "success" in Ron's costume. Harry couldn't help but grin as well..at least until he clearly saw what April's costume was. She had her black hair in extensions down her back, shining in the light bouncing off the walls. She carried Ron's broom in one hand, and was wearing Ravenclaw colors..

"I'm going as Cho Chang!" giggled April. Harry's stomach lurched uncomfortably..but he noted, with a blush, that it was more at seeing April then Cho..what was going on?

As they walked through the fat lady's portrait, they were greeted by none other then the Silver Quartet: Draco Malfoy and his cronies, Goyle, Crabbe, and Pansy Parkinson. Crabbe and Goyle were both suitably dressed as Gorillas, while Pansy was dressed as a pug dog. Harry noted Hermione snickering, obviously thinking of the term "female dog." Draco was looking casually calm, in pirate attire.

"Well, well. Aren't the Gryffindor's just so creative in their costumes? I see no difference from their every day..appearances." He said, sneering. "I see you have a beaver on your head, Granger."

Hermione turned slightly pink, but glared back vehemently.

"I see it's building a dam as well.."

"I'll give you damn!" Ron said, about to throw a punch at Malfoy when he fell over, his waddly penguin costume unbalancing him. Ron then proceeded to roll down the many flights of stairs to the Great Hall.

"Well, quite the start to the evening. I'll see you cowardly lions in the Masquerade. You'll see me being admired by everyone." With a final sneer and smirk, Malfoy left closely followed by his entourage of sorts.

"I like your costume!" April called after, giggling. Hermione and Harry sighed, grabbing April and joining the other students down the stairs. Ron was groaning as several students happily toddled over him, thinking him part of the Halloween decorations. Sighing once again, Harry and Hermione lifted him up and proceeded into the Great Hall. This was surely going to be quite a night.

From one of the doorways opening to the courtyards for the Masquerade, a pair of sinister, beady eyes flashed as Harry entered the Hall. Yes, this was surely going to be quite a night.

**….To be continued?**

**Note:** This was very uninspired drabble. I'm going to continue this chapter in parts. I'm sorry that this story is dwindling, and this chapter was very uneventful and terribly unfunny, but I'm basically still writing this as a favor for two friends..so..uh..sorry! But still, reviews appreciated. And..piddle..mindle..um..floo..I need some mocha inspiration.


	7. The Halloween Masquerade Part II

**Harry Potter and the Average Asian**

As the students filed into the Great Hall for the pre-Masquerade banquet, Harry felt very unnerved. He felt it was a mixture of his reaction to April, Cho wearing a barely-there bunny costume, and the sinister, beady eyes staring at him from a bush outside one of the open doors. Sinister, beady eyes! Harry quickly turned his head back to the particular open doorway he had seen them; nothing. He rubbed his now wrenched neck..he just needed a nice, cold pumpkin juice..

Sitting down besides April and Hermione, he pulled a plate towards him. He looked around, and noticed that it was mostly treats on platters that were serving as the Masquerade meal; he had no complaints, he had a feeling he couldn't stomach heavy food tonight. Looking around, he tried to recognize people, failing miserably. Wondering if that was Colin Creevy who had painted a lightning bolt on his forehead and was parading around with a camera, Harry was distracted as Dumbledore stood up at the usual head table.

"Evening students, and Happy Halloween!" Said Dumbledore, dressed up as..a faerie..?

"Happy Halloween!" The students called back merrily.

"My only words this evening are to have a good time, enjoy the delicious Halloween snackies, and be sure to be on the lookout if you turn to snogging in the courtyard!" Dumbledore, and with that, the students began eating and dancing.

"What did he mean 'be on the lookout..?'" Harry asked to no one in particular, but shot a look at Hermione. She was busy trying to chew threw a wedge of cheese with her beaver teeth.

"Harry, let's go out and look around the courtyards!" April said, giggling.

"Um..sure..it's a bit..stuffy in here, anyway.." Harry shot a nervous look at a heavily flirting Cho and scurried off with April. At the head table, Professor Snape shot a look at Harry as he left with April. He was not wearing a costume.

The courtyards were littered with giddy Jack o'Lanterns and ghosts playing tag through the bushes. Harry noted that Roger Davies was already snogging Lavender Brown much to the glee of Peeves the poltergeist, who was holding a pumpkin above their intertwined heads. Harry continued walking the path with April, grimly satisfied. As he heard their screams as pumpkin juice splattered them and the walkway where Harry had been seconds earlier, he noted it was not Cho who was being snogged. Maybe she didn't actually have a date tonight..

"Harry, look!" April said, giggling and running forward. Harry followed.

"Ouch!" April said, stopping and rubbing her head. She had tried to go under a hedge, but wasn't so short that she hadn't hit her head on the brambles. She began giggling again. "I'm fine! Let's go." And with that, Harry ducked under the hedge and followed her. Not far behind, a pair of sinister, beady eyes trailed after them, closely followed by a swooping figure.

"April..where are we going?" Harry questioned, noting they were going past the point of "snogging" in the courtyards to the points of "shagging" in the courtyards.

"Um..I actually don't know, I just thought we'd walk around." She replied.

"Right.." Harry said, about to drag her back to the Great Hall when he heard a sinister twig breaking.

"Break." Said the twig.

"Are we being followed?" Harry said, quickly turning around. When had they passed the last Jack o'Lantern lighting the paths?

"Harry..I'm sorry..! I feel so bad..we went to far off the path, didn't we?" April said, sounding worried.

"Don't worry..let's just..make our way back." Harry said, feeling a jolt in his stomach as he grabbed April's arm to keep them together. He heard another twig break.

"Who's there?" He called out.

All of a sudden, something jumped from nearby, lunging at Harry. He was knocked to the ground, his glasses going flying. Expecting April to scream, she was instead giggling hysterically. Only then did he realize he had been jumped by none other then a werewolf.

"ARGH. APRIL, RUN." Harry called, struggling to push the werewolf off of him, reaching for his wand at the same time. The werewolf was tearing as his robes, growling and roaring.

"Lupin! Is that you! It's me, HARRY. PLEASE, STOP." Harry said..and then realized something. April stated it before he had a chance to.

"Uh, Harry, don't werewolves come out during full moons?" April said, giggling.

"Yeah..there's no full moon tonight.." Harry said. Apparently, this caught the "werewolf" off guard, and he managed to push them off somewhat.

"Who are you!" Harry said, brushing off his robes, and still trying to push the werewolf off of him.

"Dammit." Said the werewolf. A girl's voice?

"GET THE HELL OFF ME, GINNY." Harry said, clearly frustrated.

"Heehee!" Giggled April nearby.

"What were you THINKING?" Harry said, standing up.

"Well..I thought it was a good idea at the time..besides..you look really cute dressed as a dog, and as I was dressed sort of like a dog…"

"Ginny?" Harry said.

"Yes?" She replied.

"I don't care if you're Ron's sister. Sod off." He said, fuming. Did she know how serious the prank she just pulled was? Obviously not.

"Well..I..never!" Ginny said, clearly offended. She stalked off.

"Wow, you were kind of mean..I feel bad for her." April said, although still giggling.

"Don't worry about it..let's head back." Harry said, his heart still recovering from shock. But the moment he reached for April again, he caught the reflection of the barely visible crescent moon in a pair of sinister, beady eyes. Before he could move, the form behind the eyes lunged at him. The figure wrapped their arms around Harry, and put their mouth to his neck. "Finally.." the figure whispered. Harry would have recognized that voice anywhere.

April gasped, as the figure looked to take a bite out of Harry's neck.

"PROFESSOR SNAPE..!"

**….To be continued?**

**Note:** Yeah, I'm continuing this story..woo! Anyway..credit to Kristin, otherwise known as bonkythedinosaur on here for the "beaver on the head" in Part I of the Halloween Masquerade..and..well..thanks for reading this story, if any of you are keeping up. Please review, as they are always welcome. I'd love to know what any of you think, if you read this. 3 to you all, as I was full of mocha and not thinking at all when I wrote this, hence my incoherent ness. Anyway, thanks for reading!


	8. The Halloween Masquerade Part III

**Harry Potter and the Average Asian**

Harry felt himself go cold all over. It was a feeling almost like that of being near a Dementor. Not quite as bad, but somewhat painful as there were two fangs currently lodged in his jugular.

"ARRRGH." Harry thought.

Professor Snape was currently draining Harry's blood with his mouth. They had joked about Snape being a vampire, but surely he wasn't _really_ a vampire..right? As Harry felt himself getting colder, and pools of grease from Snape's hair dripped onto his already exposed neck, he was thrown from Snape's cold hands.

"What in blazes are you doing you little chit of a girl!"

Harry looked up, his eyes somewhat glazed, and his hand around his neck. April was currently hugging Snape around his middle, as that was as far as she reached.

"Is it wrong to hug professors?" April asked, continuing to hug him.

"..Well.." Snape said vaguely before returning to his quest to get away from her embrace. It made him itch a little.

"Professor, WHAT were you doing!" Harry yelled. Student-teacher protocol was of no concern to him now. He now had a very painful hickey on his neck from none other then his most hated professor.

"Potter, you insolent fool! Did you not see those beady eyes, and see the oozing green goo that was only on one cookie served! The one cookie you happened to eat. Could you not put two and two together?" Snape answered back, sneering. He had finally escaped from April's hugging.

"Um..no?" Harry answered.

April giggled.

"I am by no means a vampire, Potter. Especially not a vampire in the muggle sense. You ingested an amount of NeéNeé potion that would surely prove fatal. I noticed this, as Dumbledore had left the Great Hall for a moment, plus the obvious fact that I'm a skilled potions master, and I noticed the substance immediately. The potion goes straight to your blood stream once it's touched your lips, and the only way I could stop it's poison would be to get it straight from your blood. Hence, one of your pulse points, which would be your neck." Snape looked quite exasperated.

"..Are you serious?" Both Harry and April said this at the same time, looking at each other in the process.

"No, I spend all my time making up stories of how I can touch your most distasteful self, Potter. It was the only way. Now, if you'll excuse me, I must alert the Headmaster." And with this, Snape flew off.

Harry lay panting, still recovering from the recent events. April sat next to him, patting his hand.

"Don't worry, Harry. You'll be ok now."

"..Yeah..yeah..I guess. I'm sorry, April. This night is probably not going all that great for you."

"No, No. It's ok! We can go inside and dance a little, if you want." April said, smiling. Harry nodded, and they walked hand and hand back into the Great Hall. Harry tried to ignore the moans coming from the bushes they passed.

Harry went to get some punch for both April and himself, so April stood chatting with Luna Lovegood, who was dressed as an emu. Just then, Draco, donned in pirate attire, approached her. Luna dreamily wandered off into a wall and fell behind a statue. April looked a little nervous.

"Hey beby." Draco said, winking down at April.

"Um..hi?" April said, giggling nervously.

"How you doing?" Draco said, trying to appear suave. He had an eye patch over one of his eyes.

"Um..fine..you? I like your eye patch." April said.

"I'm ok..you like my eye patch? It's not part of my costume. I really need it."

April gasped. "Oh my gosh! I am SO sorry!"

Draco began to laugh in his typical fashion. "No, I don't really need it. But I was wondering, now that you've ditched those Gryffindor mu-" Draco stopped, clearly aware that he wouldn't be getting anywhere with April, as she was smiling at Justin Finch-Fletchly nearby. "You want something to eat?"

At this, April snapped back to attention. "Oh, no, I'm not hungry."

"Have you even eaten today? You're really skinny, you really need to eat."

"Oh my gosh, no. I'm so chubby. I really need to lose weight." April sighed.

"April, I'm saying you're skinny. And I'm never nice. To anyone." Draco said. "Trust me, you're fine just the way you are. If anything, you need to eat more." He was starting to feel sick as to his telling the truth and being nice at the same time. This is not a Malfoy thing to do.

Just then, Harry returned with two cups of punch. "Here, April, I brought them both for you. I thought you might be really thirsty after all that excitement..What are YOU doing here?" Harry interrupted himself, glaring at Malfoy. Malfoy returned the stare and stalked off.

"Awww, he didn't even say goodbye.." April said sadly.

"Don't bother talking to him, April. He's nothing but a no-good BEEP"

"HARRY!" Hermione gasped from behind Harry.

"What?" Harry asked.

"Did you hear that beeping sound? No electronic devices can work inside Hogwarts, I read it in _Hogwarts, A History_.."

"Come on April." Harry said, ignoring Hermione and the bits of mice she had stuck in her oversized costume teeth. Harry quickly took April away from Hermione, who was now engaging a cactus blazoned with Halloween decorations in conversation.

With that, Harry and April danced several songs together. They even danced some slow songs, and Harry didn't even step on her feet.

The night soon came to an end, and the students gleefully, yet exhaustedly, trudged back to their dormitories. Harry smiled peacefully, as he watched April run off to the dormitory, chatting with Lavender, who's lipstick was smeared to about her forehead. Harry realized he hadn't paid much mind to Cho at all at the masquerade, despite April having dressed as her. Maybe this year wouldn't be so bad, what with April being at school and all. But there were some things that might stop that happiness from continuing..

Harry didn't notice the sinister, beady eyes peering from a cranny in the wall. And these eyes did not belong to a Ginny Weasley or Professor Snape.

**…To be continued?**

**Note:** Wow, I updated. The end of the Halloween Masquerade. Mm, that means some Yuletide Christmas fun coming soon, right! Yay! No one reads this. If you do, FOR CRYING OUT LOUD. Please review. Please? I 3 you for reading none the less. Please review and let me know how I'm writing, please! And have a splendid day!


	9. A Tideover Chapter

**Harry Potter and the Average Asian**

After the festivities of October, the Golden Trio plus one hoped November would be quieter. Unfortunately, Hogwarts is never quiet.

The cool air currents of October turned into blustery winds of November, signaling the bitter winter to come. Heavier robes were pulled out of mothball ridden chests, and the anticipation of Christmas began to fill the air. Autumn was finally coming to an end. And with the end of autumn came the Autumn Ball.

Just kidding.

On a particularly cold Saturday near the end of November, April decided to brave her boggart..figuratively, of course. She was prepared to face her social anxiety in the face of a large crowd.

April was going to the library.

However, April didn't grasp the concept that, unlike her dear friend Hermione, people usually didn't come to the Hogwarts library. Especially not on Saturdays. So, April's task of defeating social anxiety wasn't fully realized, but April felt very accomplished none-the-less.

So, on that blustery Saturday, April wandered into the cozy library. She smiled in acknowledgement to students scattered at tables and chairs. She also noted that Hermione was not present. 'Where's Hermione?' thought April. This thought was chased away from her mind as she found a nice, plush chair in a corner of the library near the Restricted Section. She pulled a book (which happened to be titled _One Grindylow, Two Grindylow, Red Grindylow, Blue Grindylow_) and began reading.

As stated before, nothing in Hogwarts is ever quiet, as shown through Draco Malfoy. Since the Halloween Masquerade, Draco had developed a particular intrigue in April, and was determined to get her to want him. If not just for the purpose of him turning her down. 'But,' Draco thought, 'I might not turn her down..' On this particular Saturday, Draco was feeling particularly lonely. He decided to find April, and through numerous connections and magical spying devices, found out that she was in the library. So, he sauntered through the library to April's secluded spot. Taking a breath, which, of course, was not nervousness, he spoke.

Or, at least, he was going to. Fortunately for him, he thought, April looked up from her deep reading and spoke first.

"Hi Draco!" She giggled.

"..Hey." He said in what he hoped was a very sexy way.

"April," he continued, "I've been meaning to say to you that..I see you in my dreams, and that..I really think we should get to know each other more."

"Oh, well, maybe, that's cool." she said, clearly not paying attention.

"April!" Draco said, slightly annoyed that he wasn't her main focus, "everyone wants my body."

"Oh, that's cool." She said, giggling at a particularly witty part in her book.

"April…when I blow my nose, I see your pretty face in my snot."

At this, April's head popped up.

"What was that?" April said, smiling.

Feeling quite dejected, Draco turned a deep red at his failure to conquest the panda-like April, and turned without a word. He then sauntered back out of the library, determined to get April's main focus to be himself. No matter how much he didn't deserve it.

"Well..that was different." April quietly said.

"Indeed." Answered the yellow grindylow on her page.

And with that little bit of foreshadowing (?!?!?) and slight bit of drama, November peacefully faded into December.

**…To Be Continued?**

**Note: **No one reads this, except few select friends. Marauders, Golden Trio members, animals, and what-not..Thanks for reading if you do, though! Reviews much appreciated! This was just a "tide-over" chapter, so, I'm aware that it sucks. Thanks for reading though, and I hope you continue reading this story!


	10. The Hogsmeade Discovery

**Harry Potter and the Average Asian**

The first weekend of December had rolled around, and with that came the great anticipation of Christmas. The weather gave a surprising last hurrah that weekend. This meant that the weather had warmed a considerable amount from the frigid November, and that the Hogsmeade weekend for December would be quite enjoyable.

Clutching a yellow scarf around her face, April skipped along with Ron as they led they way to Hogsmeade down the path from Hogwarts. Harry and Neville followed, with Draco Malfoy behind them, looking at both April and Harry with crazy eyes. Hermione was nowhere to be found. Neville noticed this the most.

"Where do you suppose Hermione is, Harry?"

"Who?" Harry replied to Neville.

"HARRY. Hermione!" Neville said in exasperation, his round face sweating with the effort of yelling.

"Hermione's not THAT hairy, Neville." Harry answered back, a little shocked by Neville's pronouncement.

Looking sad and shaking his head, Neville walked away from Harry and promptly ran into a tree.

Harry was now strolling along alone, a few paces short of April and Ron. Looking around, he caught a glimpse of some sinister, beady eyes. As he turned his head the other way, he registered what he saw, and swung his head around again. Massaging his now aching neck, he saw that it was only Cho Chang and a 7th year Slytherin, Ben Dover, holding hands. How strange, he thought. Still rubbing his neck, Harry caught up with April and Ron, and, followed by numerous other students, entered Hogsmeade.

April had never been to Hogsmeade, before. Not many students at Hogwarts had gone to Hogsmeade on the usual October date, as they were to busy preparing their costumes for the Halloween masquerade. Now that that event had passed, April was joined by many third years in experiencing the many joys of Hogsmeade for the first time.

As many students ran around the town, many heading to The Three Broomsticks, Zonko's, or Honeydukes, April suggested they try walking the grounds on the outskirts of Hogsmeade. Harry and Ron, overwhelmed at the adult witches and wizards frantically shopping for Christmas presents, agreed.

Upon reaching the edge of town, April decided it would be nice to walk through the very dense and dangerous looking woods that had no trail. Harry, his thoughts on how he had met Sirius here nearly two years ago, agreed. He was far to preoccupied on trying not to cry like a baby, so he hadn't been paying much attention to what was being said. Ron, however, was. His face attained a very constipated looking expression, but danger hadn't stopped him before.

"As long as there are no spiders, I'll come." Ron said, blanching.

Giggling, April led the way. 

After about an hour of walking, Harry snapped out of his reverie. He noticed April was humming to herself and looking around, and Ron was paler then usual, swinging his head around.

"Uh, Ron, what are you doing?" Harry asked.

"Making sure there are no spiders! Harry, I hate tap dancing!" Ron squeaked.

"Ok…uh…hey, April…where are we?" Harry asked, turning to look at her.

"I'm not sure…but it's pretty out here!" April answered.

Just then, Harry tripped over a fallen tree. Tumbling down what was now revealed to be a steep hill, April and Ron figured they should join him. After about an hour, they finally reached the bottom of the hill. Harry and Ron were scraped and bruised, but April appeared to be unmarked. As they stood up and brushed themselves off, they looked around. All of their mouths dropped open at what they saw.

Before them lay a small river of what appeared to be brown liquid. The trees were more thinly spread out here, and the sun seemed to shine more brightly. What appeared to be a stag was drinking from the brownish river. Harry's breath caught. A stag…

Ron stepped forward, unable to stop his stupid curiosity. The stag jumped and ran away. Harry felt disappointed at this, as he felt a certain bond with stags. He also felt like hitting Ron fairly hard. That thought was jousted from his mind as he saw Ron bend down and slurp from the river.

"Ron…what are you do-?!"

Ron sat straight up, his entire body shaking, his eyes wild.

"Ron…?" April asked uncertainly, clearly worried about Ron's behavior.

"IT'S MOCHA!" Ron gasped, dipping his face down again and drinking deeply.

"Oh my gosh, are you serious!?" April said, clearly pleased. She went and drank from the river and also began smiling widely. "It IS mocha! Come on, Harry! Try some."

Harry also went and drank from the river, and any bad thoughts in his mind were washed away by the beautiful flavor of the mocha river beneath him. It was the best thing he had ever tasted.

They had discovered a mocha river!

After they all drank deeply, Ron noted the time.

"We should get going, it should be dark soon."

Harry and April agreed, so they treaded back through the dense forest and reached Hogwarts.

Smiling contentedly, Harry noted that today had not been that bad a day. He also noted that he hadn't seen any beady, sinister eyes at the mocha river, either. He stopped and shook his head. Beady, sinister eyes? Where had he gotten such an idea? Going into the Great Hall for supper, Harry ate some toast and then went to bed.

He hadn't noticed that Draco was eyeing him more maliciously then usual, if that was possible. Harry also didn't notice that Hermione had not yet appeared…

**…To Be Continued?**

**Note:** This was a fairly lengthy chapter, I suppose, compared to the others I have written. Please excuse this chapter's lunacy. Anyway, thanks for reading and reviewing! I hope you all continue reading and reviewing as this "story" progresses. Thanks again for everything!


	11. Christmas Eve Crackers

**Harry Potter and the Average Asian**

The week before Christmas soon arrived at the doors of Hogwarts with a resounding WOOSH. The school was decorated so splendidly with Yuletide decorations that the most lavish palace could be put to shame. The Great Hall, always a place filled with opulence, caused many first years to shield their eyes from the incredible shine that shone during their meals. Beautiful orbs flashed red, green, and white lights throughout the hall, and Christmas trees lined the walls of the Great Hall, each tree a different theme. One tree was decked with silver ornaments, silver candles with silver flame, and silver faeries flitting about. Another tree had the same arrangement in gold, one in bronze, and another in ebony. One tree even had the arrangement in bright yellow. The yellow faeries were particularly fidgety, as Terry Boot, a Ravenclaw, could attest. He was found the day after Christmas stuck in the lower branches of the tree, yellow faeries spotting him with kisses. The corridors almost matched the Great Hall in brilliance. The knights, who were singing traditional carols as usual, also began trotting about, wishing those who passed a Happy Christmas.

April Garcia was enjoying the festivities possible more then anyone. Many students had gone home for the Christmas holidays as usual, but April stayed. Harry, having realized that Hermione was gone, was glad to have April at Hogwarts for the hols. He and Ron figured she had gone home early for the holidays, and, being Hermione, had been to busy to let them know. They agreed they would forgive her for her negligence in telling them about three weeks after her return.

Once again, April was excited for the holidays at Hogwarts. In fact, she was so excited she could not hide it. She waltzed with the ghosts throughout the hall, and did not seem to mind when they accidentally "stepped" on her feet, causing a chill to run up her spine. She also made sure to place mistletoe throughout the school. The entire school. In fact, not a nook or cranny was devoid of at least a small sprits of mistletoe. Any of the older students staying for the holidays found this occurrence quite enjoyable, and promptly thanked April. Any excuse for an extra snog was a good thing. On the other hand, the few scattered younger students were most uncomfortable. April was found hugging a third year, who, on seeing the mistletoe hanging over a fellow third year student, madly kissed him, ran away, and began crying. April assured him that it was simply the Holiday spirit possessing him, and nothing more.

The morning of Christmas Eve arrived and April was the first to alert everyone to this fact. At breakfast, April could be heard singing, and at dinner she was giving "Christmas hugs" to anyone who strayed within three feet of her. Not many seemed to mind.

Soon the Christmas Eve feast arrived, and the ten or so students staying at Hogwarts took seats around the round table in the Great Hall, which took the place of the four House tables. Much to Harry's chagrin, Cho Chang was present. The conversations at supper also did not less Harry's feeling of doom.

After Dumbledore said several nonsensical words, mounds of food appeared on all present's plates. Far more then they could eat. Harry thought they would be stuffing their mouths so discussions would be limited. He was very, very wrong.

"So…" Cho Chang coughed, "April, haven't talked with you for awhile…"

The students fell silent, and Professor Snape eyed them with veiled curiosity. Ron blanched, his face squeezed up in a grimace, dreading the oncoming exchange.

April, finishing her bowl of rice, looked up from her table setting. "Yeah, it has been awhile."

Cho sat and stared at her.

Ron, always bad at good timing, interrupted.

"Um, April, could you pass the rice, please?"

At this Cho spun to her left, and screwed up her face in fury.

"So just because she's Asian she has to pass your rice?!"

Ron blanched even more and sunk in his chair. "N-no…"

April, on the other hand, grew angry. "Who are you to say that, Cho? He's my friend and would never think or do something like that to be racist! He just wanted the rice!"

Cho turned away and stopped talking with them.

Sighing, Harry began picking at his potatoes, and scratched at his neck. Something seemed to come off his neck as he itched, and Harry soon saw that he had picked off a scab.

"Where did I get that…?" Harry thought aloud, quietly to himself. Shooting a look at his reflection in the gold plate he had been eating off, Harry saw that the spot where Snape had "saved" him was encrusted with dried blood and Snape saliva.

"Probably should have cleaned that up…" Harry thought. "Probably should bathe some, too…"

After about a half-hour of great feasting, dessert came. There were mounds of gingerbread and peppermint ice creams, toffees, fudges, and Christmas cookies galore. There were also bread puddings, and a gelatin mold curiously shaped like a house-elf. Harry avoided this particular treat, thoughts of eating Dobby dancing through his head. Ron, on the other hand, devoured it.

After about ten minutes of dessert, the first moans of fullness could be heard. Dumbledore then passed out crackers to everyone. Harry snapped opened his and found several chocolate frogs, pumpkin turnovers, and a remembrall. He mentally noted to give it to Neville, who could always use an extra one. Maybe the remembrall would remind him. Shooting a look at an anxious looking Ron, who also looked disappointed, he spun around to look at a giggling April. In the cracker was something bright yellow, long, and thick. She quickly hid it away. Once the crackers had been disposed of, the professors and the headmaster wished the students goodnight, and everyone trailed off to their respective dormitories and rooms. April, Ron, and Harry stayed in a group as they began walking to the Fat Lady's portrait, who was singing a high-pitched version of "Greensleeves". About to mutter the password, "Shizm", April and Harry spun around, only to see a very angry looking Cho.

"Ron, why couldn't you just drop it?" She practically spat.

Ron, his face screwed up more than ever, questioned, "…Drop what?"

"You know what I'm talking about, Ron Weasley!" She said in return, turning red.

Ron, turning to Harry, looked thoroughly confused. "What in bloody blazes is she on about?

"Ron! You were asking April to pass the rice because she was Asian!" Cho said, clearly disgusted with him.

At this, April looked at her with absolute disbelief. "Cho, that was nearly an hour ago!"

"You're the one bringing it up!" Cho shot back.

Ron rolled his eyes around wildly, and Harry took a step towards April defensively. April said in return, "Cho…you brought it up! You came all the way to the seventh floor to bring it back up!"

At this, Cho nearly exploded physically. "April Garcia, I am sick of you bringing things up and ruining my life! Just drop it, okay?! This isn't over!"

And with that, she stormed off.

All three students looked flabbergasted, to say the least.

Ron muttered, "She's mental, that one."

Harry nodded in agreement, and April giggled, "I feel bad, though."

"Forget about it," Harry said, hugging April who swiftly hugged him back.

With that, the three climbed through the portrait hole to their extravagantly decorated common room, and to their particular rooms. Visions of sugar plum faeries and eggnog danced through their heads as they went off to sleep. Beady, sinister eyes also invaded the dreamland, but only for Harry.

**…To be continued?**

**Note:** This chapter was meant to be in conjunction with the chapter going over Christmas day, but after much consideration (about 2-5 minutes); I decided to keep them separate. The second part of this chapter just would not fit with…the first part of the chapter. Therefore, I hope you enjoyed this chapter, although it's not particularly funny. In fact, it's not very funny at all, but you get the picture. No you don't. Anyway, a Happy Early Holidays to everyone, and thanks once again for reading! Please leave a review to let me know what you think. Happy Early Christmas! Also, I'm aware that they wouldn't eat rice in Hogwarts. They wouldn't really do much of the stuff I make them do in this story, but that's why it's not meant to be taken seriously! So there you go. Thems are the breaks. Have a Merry Christmas and a Happy and Joyous New Year.

**Happy Christmas!**


	12. Christmas and Ron

**Harry Potter and the Average Asian**

"HARRY!"

The-raven-haired-boy, Harry Potter, awoke slowly. Groggily, he wiped his eyes and tried to figure out why Ron would wake him at - he shot a look at the clock - 5:00 a.m.!

"Ron, what…?"

"Harry, it's Christmas! Happy Christmas!" Ron said, answering Harry's half-asked (not half-assed) question. "You've got presents! We've got presents!"

"I've got presents?" Harry asked in disbelief, and then remembered he hadn't spent a Christmas with the Dursleys in six years. Silly Harry.

"Of course you do! Let's go to the common room!" Ron said, his usual blanch gone and replaced by a pink flush.

"Ron, the common room? Don't we usually get them in here?" Harry questioned, peering at the empty foot of his bed.

"Since there we so few people staying at Hogwarts for the holidays, I guess they put our presents near the big tree in the common room. Come on!" Ron urged Harry out of bed and then shot down the stairs.

Harry quirked an eyebrow. "He's certainly excited…" Harry said to no one in particular.

"Indeed he is. Fix your hair, you look like a ragamuffin." The mirror hanging near Seamus' bed said. "Oh, and Happy Christmas."

"Same to you…" Harry said mid-yawn. He chose to ignore the comment.

Harry made his way down the stairs, wondering what he got. This would be the first year he wouldn't receive a present from Sirius. Granted, he didn't receive one his first two years at Hogwarts, but once he had, he had looked forward to it every year. Sirius always knew what was in Harry's heart, and gave presents that had proved useful. It wasn't as if he looked forward to receiving more gifts because of him; on the contrary, he had enjoyed any form or substance relating to Sirius, the closest link to his past besides Remus, who was usually out chasing rabbits. Sighing, Harry remembered Sirius' last present…the present that could have saved Sirius' life. He put on a fake smile, determined not to ruin anyone's Christmas, especially after he felt he had ruined last year's…

But when Harry arrived to the common room, he found there was no way he could have possibly ruined Christmas. It was already ruined.

There, sitting near the fireplace, was Ron Weasley. His hand was placed on the brick, his eyes looking up the flume, shock and dismay written all over his face.

"Ron…?"

Ginny Weasley was sitting, looking dejected, in a large burgundy chair, staring blankly into the space in front of her. Colin and Dennis Creevey bore the same looks, but were huddled in a corner, hugging themselves. The only other Gryffindor present at Hogwarts, a first year Harry didn't know, was tugging at a shiny gold ornament, gnawing her lip.

"What's all wrong with you? It's Christm…" Harry didn't finish.

The Gryffindor Common Room was still gorgeously decorated, and everything seemed to be in place.

Except the presents.

Harry, realizing what crucial part of Christmas was missing, took on a look of shock similar to the other Gryffindors. He turned to the fireplace, where Ron was attempting to search, despite the roaring fire. The stockings, maybe everything was in the stockings…?

Empty.

Harry quickly walked to his left, where a few scattered slippers were laid. The shoes! Maybe Father Christmas left trinkets in the…

Nothing.

Harry felt horrible. This was his entire fault. Why is it all your fault? An inner voice asked. "Because everything's my fault!" Harry shot back. Harry unfortunately said this out loud.

Ron pulled out of the fireplace, his hands singed quite black, and beginning to smell rather putrid.

"Everything's your fault? Harry…did you do this?" Ron said, his eyes filled with tears of shame.

"Of course he didn't, you git!" Ginny said, shaking her limp red hair.

"Thanks." Harry said to her, his voice full of gratitude.

Ginny shrugged in response, nodding her head. "Only saying the truth."

Harry, looking over the common room once more, gathered himself up. "Well, we'll go searching for our presents!"

The first year looked up, glee written all over her face. The Creevey boys looked as if Christmas had come early…or, well, that it had come. Ginny nodded her head, and went to drag Ron away from the fireplace, where he was now searching with his feet.

Harry then noticed that something besides the presents was missing. Someone was missing.

"Have any of you seen April?"

Ginny opened her eyes wide, also noting April's disappearance. She shook her head. Ron shook her…his head. The others in the room also looked at each other, questioning the same thing.

"Maybe she went to the Christmas Breakfast…come on." Harry said determinedly, not wishing another Christmas to be ruined by Voldemort. Voldemort! Harry stopped in his tracks. Could this be Voldemort's doing?

Brushing the thought aside that Voldemort would be so evil to steal Christmas presents, Harry marched through the common room to the entrance hole, and stepped through, flanked by pajama-clad Gryffindors.

Shooting a look at the silent portrait, he saw that the Fat Lady was asleep. Taking a closer look, he noted that she was actually passed out, an empty bottle of wine near her bottom. Ron then gagged, and the Gryffindors ran down the hall, fell down the staircase, and made their way to the Great Hall. Harry, wondering what caused such a reaction, stepped backwards. Suddenly, after studying the portrait a bit, he placed his hands over his mouth, discovering what indeed had caused the reaction.

The Fat Lady was…naked.

Not only was the Fat Lady naked, her pink dress draped over a meandering giraffe, but…Sir Cadogan was there and naked as well! And from the looks of things…

Harry didn't finish his thought, the picture so disgusting he forgot all thoughts of Christmas presents and ran straight towards to Slytherin Common Room…which happened to be in the dungeons, but he ran just that far!

"Nice 'jammas, Potter." Said a familiar sneer from behind Harry, who, upon realizing where he ran, walked up the stairs to the main corridor of the great school.

"Sod off, Malfoy." Harry said, not bothering to turn around. He continued to walk to the Great Hall.

"I said, nice 'jammas, Potter." The sneer said again.

"What do you want, Malfoy? A thank you card?" Harry spun around, to see Draco Malfoy…

…not there.

"…Hello?"

No answer.

"What is going on…?" Harry questioned out loud.

"Nothing to much, you?" A handsomely decorated knight said, his helmet clanging with every word.

Ignoring him, Harry wandered into the Great Hall…and saw a most wondrous sight.

The same circular table that the Christmas Eve feast was held on was laden with breakfast foods. A separate, bigger table was packed with desserts. Harry's mouth salivated at the sight. But a bigger sight was a large Christmas tree, twice the size of Hagrid, decorated so grandly a small second year was crying in joy. And underneath the tree were mounds of presents, greedily being ripped apart by Ravenclaws, Hufflepuffs, Gryffindors, and Slytherins alike. The greed of presents had brought the four houses together for the first occasion in a long time.

The professors, still wiping sleep out of their eyes and clutching robes around them, said Happy Christmas softly to the students who passed by them. All of the professors except Snape and Dumbledore. Snape was dressed in his usual black attire, gorgeous cuffs and all. He bared his teeth at any student who dared wish him a Happy Christmas, or worse…a Happy New Year. Dumbledore, on the other hand, was clad in a Father Christmas suit, and was speaking to deaf ears. Harry, going up to him and wishing him a Happy Christmas, heard the statement issuing from the esteemed Headmaster's mouth.

"I brought the Christmas presents down here so you all could join with your fellow houses in the great celebration of joy that is Christmas. Also, you should have learned a valuable lesson about greed. Upon finding your trees as barren as an old maid, I hoped you all would find that waking up full of excitement is something that should be strived for every day. A splendid kind of happiness, a…"

"Good idea, Professor. Happy Christmas." Harry said in a hurry, beginning to fall into a dose.

"Ah, yes, Happy Christmas, Harry." Dumbledore said, his eyes twinkling red and green just for Christmas.

Harry made his way towards his pile of presents. Eyeing the glorious display of gifts, he began to tear open the wrapping paper. It seemed to encompass the things within like a jail to a prisoner. Harry subsequently began to take note of what presents he had received. Some toffees, custards, and mincemeat pies from Mrs. Weasley. A pair of used tissues, most likely Dudley's, from the Dursleys. A pair of - to Harry's utter disgust and disbelief - wool underwear engraved with cow and panda print from Dobby, and a book on something or another from Hermione. Good thing she remembered I don't know how to read, Harry thought to himself. Oh well, at least she remembered to send presents, even if she forgot to say good bye for the holidays. Continuing through his presents, Harry found a few chocolate frogs from Ginny, and a newspaper from Ron.

"Um…thanks Ron!" Harry said, trying to sum up all the enthusiasm his body contained.

Ron flushed. "You're welcome, Harry. Sorry, it was all I could afford…"

"No, no, Ron. It's fine, perfect. Just what I wanted."

Ron grinned and went back to opening his presents. Harry did the same.

A tin of lemon drops came from Dumbledore. Well, thought Harry, it's no invisibility cloak, but I don't mind lemon drops…

In the background, sounds of joy could be heard. Harry heard a Hufflepuff thank a Ravenclaw with a hearty, "You welcome!" Christmas was a wonderful time to be alive…

Harry then reached the bottom of his pile, and found an unmarked parcel. Opening it up carefully, lest it be a prank from Malfoy, Harry gasped. Atop the box was a muddy paw print.

"…Sirius…?"

Opening the box, he found a pair of gloves. Upon closer inspection, he found that they were black, soft, and real fur. They were Quidditch gloves, to grip the broom better! Harry choked backed tears of gratitude. His dearly departed godfather must have prepared all his presents for him…Harry, again trying to choke back sadness and grief, bent down to smell the gloves. They smelled just like Sirius. In fact, the shade of the fur on the gloves was the same shade of fur Padfoot had…

Harry didn't have time to think more on it, because he received a swift kick in the behind from none other than Draco Malfoy.

"Merry Christmas, Potter." He spat, and walked off, flanked by Crabbe and Goyle.

Ron saw the event ensue, and muttered, "Maybe it'd be better if his bastard dad was out of Azkaban. Then at least Malfoy would be home."

Harry agreed mutely, and noted that April had gotten neither him nor Ron a present. Harry didn't want to seem selfish, but he had gotten her a present, and was now worried. He would not want her to feel uncomfortable with a one-sided exchange.

"Where could April be?" Both Harry and Ron said at the same time.

Time soon passed after the opening of presents. The students were busy with their gifts, running about the Great Hall. In next to no time, it was time for the Christmas Day Feast, and, still clad in their robes and pajamas, the students partook in the meal. They ate mounds of meat and potatoes, puddings, roast beast, and Who hash. What a wonderful meal it was! After the feast, the professors handed out small baubles to the students. Professor Snape even handed out pairs of magicked scissors, and muttered to Harry, "Try running with it, and see what happens." Ignoring him, Harry took the scissors and shoved them in his pocket. After that, dessert came. One poor Ravenclaw ate so much she began moaning, while another Hufflepuff ate so much he promptly exploded. Harry, on the other hand, greedily ate the many peppermint dishes.

After dessert, Harry sighed. The very eventful Christmas day was over. He couldn't wait to curl up in his warm bed and get some much needed sleep. But first, he told Ron, he must find April. Ron agreed and followed.

Both of the boys, eager to avoid the horrifying and repellent portrait entrance to their common room, searched almost the entire castle, until it was nearly 11 o'clock that night. The boys, closing their eyes and muttering the password, climbed into the portrait hole, intent on not viewing the Fat Lady in the nude. Entering the common room, they began to discuss where April could possibly be.

Their conversation need not be finished, because upon opening their eyes, they saw April, looking very tired. She was giggling to herself, while sitting in one of their favorite chairs.

"April!" They gasped, as Ron ran over and hugged her.

"Where have you been?" April asked, as Harry and Ron issued the same question.

"We were at the Great Hall, where have you been?" They said.

"I was looking for your presents…no, no, not last minute…I forgot where I hid them and then found them! Merry Christmas, you guys!" April said, handing them both beautifully wrapped packages.

"Happy Christmas to you, April!" They both said in reply, also handing over brilliantly wrapped packages.

April opened her gifts. Harry saw that she had also gotten the very same newspaper he had gotten.

"Oh, thank you, Ron! It's just what I wanted!" April said happily, though Harry detected a little amusement in her voice.

"Really? That's good; it's the most expensive newspaper I could find." Ron said smugly.

"Hey!" Harry said, "That's not what you told m-" Ron quickly elbowed him in the pancreas.

April then opened Harry's gift.

"Oh, Harry…it's beautiful…" April said in awe, opening the package to find a wonderfully stuffed panda.

"Brilliant, Harry!" Ron said in awe.

Harry blushed. "I thought you might like it…"

April grinned, hugged him, and kissed both boys on the cheek. "Thank you both, now you two open yours!"

Ron had blanched at April's kiss, his face now screwed up as if constipated. Harry, on the other hand, was grinning rather stupidly.

Harry opened the gift. Inside was a locket, and inside the locket was a picture of…

"Sirius?" Harry said quietly to April, his voice…shining.

April nodded. "Hermione told me before she left how much you missed him, so I found an old picture of him in the school records. I hope you like it." She grinned up at him.

"I…do." Harry said, wrapping her in a hug and looking at the grinning and winking photo of Sirius in the locket. He wrapped it around his neck. Lockets may be for girls, he thought, but this was Sirius. There was an exception to be made for that. "Thanks, April."

"You're welcome."

They then turned to look at Ron, whose face was screwed up as if he were concentrating. Perish the thought.

"Um…April…what is this?" He was holding what looked to be a large orange bottle of something or another.

"It's a muggle thing, Ron; I thought you might like it." April said happily, while giggling.

Ron, turning the bottle around, scanned it with his eyes, reading. A look of realization, then shock, reached his face. Both looks were wiped away when tears began streaming down his face, a wide smile plastered there as well.

"Oh, April! How did you know? Thank you, thank you!" He said, hugging April so tightly she couldn't giggle.

She gasped, "Your welcome…Ron…ok…Ok, Ron…" Finally he let her go.

"What'd you get, Ron?" Harry asked good-naturedly.

Ron flushed, and then blanched. "That's between him and me." April responded.

Ron looked at her gratefully, and then looked at the bottle. "I'm going to go use this right away!" He then rushed up the stairs to their room.

"Well, Harry, it's been a long Christmas Day. I'll see you tomorrow. Thanks for the gifts! Good night." April said sleepily.

"Same to you, April. Happy Christmas."

"Happy Christmas, Harry."

A few minutes later, Harry walked up to an empty dormitory. Ron was in the bathroom. Sighing contentedly to himself, Harry ruled that this Christmas was a very good one, despite some surprises earlier on. Before laying himself down to sleep, he shot a look at the orange bottle laying on Ron's nightstand. It practically looked back at him, just begging to be read. It was waiting for him. Picking it up, he glanced up and down it, trying to decipher the words. The bottle looked familiar, he thought. Muggle…hadn't he seen Aunt Petunia give this to Dudley before? Harry then turned over the bottle, and read the front.

"Metamucil…?" Harry said, quizzically. Then it hit him!

Harry, his eyes filled with tears of mirth, dropped into his bed and laughed himself to sleep.

What a wonderful, funny Christmas it had been.

Or had it? Harry didn't notice the hand sneaking up the right side of his bed…

**…To be continued?**

**Note:** Wow. Yet again, I outdo myself in the worst chapter yet. Sorry any of you had to read it, but even then, thank you SO much for reading and/or following this story/chapter. Please leave me a review to let me know what you think! Metamucil copyrighted to…itself. I don't own the rights to it (and no, I don't own it.) Anyway, Merry Christmas, Happy New Year, and Happy Holidays to every single one of you, dear readers!

Once again, Happy Christmas! And thank you, thank you, thank you for reading!

**Happy Holidays!**


	13. Draco's Indiscretion

**Harry Potter and the Average Asian**

New Years came, and with that came a huge party. Hermione was looking particularly ravishing at said event, in a short silver dress, with bits of white fluff trimming the long sleeves and low cut front. Her unruly hair was miraculously smoothed into curls, which were pushed back by a long and rough hand. Hermione leaned into the owner of the hand, her bosoms heaving, her breath caught. With that, the hand's owner reached down and kissed her, slowly running his hands down to her...

Oops, wrong story.

A certain blonde haired fellow has been neglected in this story, and this problem needs to be addressed. And yes, Luna IS a girl. We are talking about Draco, Draco Malfoy. A person, who, having hated Harry Potter for a great deal of his life, had let this fierce passion consume him. Consume him to the point...

Of a terrible, terrible mistake.

On Christmas morning, Draco had awoken, as the other students, to find his presents missing. Not paying much mind, he hoped instead for a gift of something better upon seeing his mother. His Christmas was uneventful, except for a very satisfying kick to Harry bloody Potter in his Hairy bloody Arse. His "wish" was granted, upon opening the present from his mother and finding…Three platinum rings, embedded with silver, each inlaid with large emeralds. Pansy Parkinson caught eye of them, her eyes fairly bursting at the sight.

"Ooooh, Draco! Those are fabulous!" She looked down at her own gift of a gaudy, yet expensive, emerald bracelet. She sighed. "I wish I had some…this is all I got." Pft, Slytherins.

Draco shot a look at her, and lightly tossed his present carelessly to the side. "Rubbish." He said nonchalantly in regards to the presents. Pansy gaped, and scampered off. Barely regarding the brief "conversation" with Pansy, Draco searched through his mound of presents. Briefly registering who gave him what, he came across a small, unmarked package.

It was wrapped in bright yellow wrapping paper.

Draco sneered. A Hufflepuff sent him something? A _Hufflepuff_? Opening the present, he was taken aback at what he saw.

It was a drawing. A simple drawing, but a beautiful one, Draco had to admit. In it, a panda and snake were hugging. Who could have such insight to draw such a spectacular piece of art? Draco inwardly wondered how much he could sell it for…or where he could hang it in his room. Ravishing the picture one last time, for fear of being caught in a state of weakness, Draco reached the last present. It was a small, black box, and the black wrapping paper that had kept it in its womb had simply disappeared when he touched it. Opening it, he found a smaller, green box. He opened that only to find and ever smaller blue box. He finally opened the final box, another black one which looked to be spotted with raised, dark red spots. Running his fingers over them, he noticed the spots came off much like a picked scab would. Not that he had ever demeaned himself to do such a thing, of course. Continuing to open the gift, he dropped it. Quickly looking around, he saw inside the thing he had secretly been seeking for quite some time.

Inside was a black envelope, with a green seal. The seal was a skull with a snake coming from the mouth.

It was the Dark Mark; the symbol of the Death Eaters - of Voldemort.

It was his summons.

His breath caught, Draco looked at the other Slytherin's piles of presents. He didn't see any similar box, and they all looked quite carefree.

He grabbed the envelope, which seemed to burn his hand, and rushed out of the Great Hall, rushing to the Slytherin dungeons, and straight into his room. He breathed deeply to stop his exhaustion induced panting, and practically ripped open the seal.

The letter was blank. How on earth was he supposed to reply to this, when he didn't know what it said? Before he had time to think on it more, he felt the feeling of a portkey rip behind his navel, and he was sucked somewhere where it was very, very dark. Draco Malfoy's first instinct was to stay still, fearful of what was in this strange new place. Shameful of the thought, he clenched his teeth and sucked in his cheeks, eager to become a minx. Or ferret. Draco quirked his own eyebrow. Exactly where had that thought come from?

"Draco Malfoy."

Draco jumped up and turned this way and that, unable to find a light source to view the owner of the raspy voice that had just spoken.

"Who's there?" Draco asked boldly, keeping the sneer from his voice. With no intent on turning into a cowering Hufflepuff, he also had no intent on…well…dying. He knew he was a smarmy bastard. But would the Dark Lord understand?

"Cocky, are we?" The hoarse voice said once again. Draco cocked - tilted - his head to the direction he thought the voice was coming from. A dull light, barely distinguishable, suddenly permeated the room. Draco squinted his eyes to see through the murky light; he must have been in a large room, he thought, because he couldn't distinguish any walls. Raising his eyebrows and squinting, his eyes practically to the point of closure, he could make out someone sitting in a seat a little way from him. How did he hear him so clearly?

As suddenly as the light turned on, the figure in the chair was closer to Draco. Draco could not make out his face, but saw a long leg covered in black pants crossed over another. Draco was a little taken aback to see the figure sitting in what appeared to be a wicker patio chair.

The figure spoke. "Draco Malfoy, I am correct in assuming you came here through your Summons portkey?"

Draco nodded. Thinking the figure - he determined it was a man - couldn't see him, he began to speak. "Yes, I got i-…"

The man - Death Eater, Draco corrected - interrupted him. "Yes, yes, you did. I'm sure you, being the Slytherin that you are, know the process of summoning?"

At this, Malfoy felt quite embarrassed. His father hadn't actually told him the full process, and he wasn't very keen to visit him in prison. He needn't answer, though, as the Death Eater answered for him.

"No matter, I'm here to ask you some questions."

"Questions?" Draco questioned.

"Indeed. Now…"

The light that was murky before completely disappeared. Initially, anyway. The light now was solely on Draco, and was still very muddy. Always one who enjoyed the spotlight, Draco was fairly certain he wasn't taking pleasure in this beady, sinister spotlight.

"First question." The voice practically drawled. If the voice, hence its roughness, wasn't so high, Draco would have sword Professor Snape was talking.

"What house are you in?"

Draco was a little confused by this question. The voice had identified him as Slytherin before.

"Slytherin." Draco answered.

"Correct." The voice replied.

Draco waggled his eyebrows at this. Say what?

"Are you a pureblood?"

At this, Draco regained his confidence. "Of course."

"Good, good. Correct."

Draco was beginning to wonder about his questioner, or what, exactly, this whole process would amount to.

"What are your feelings on the Dark Lord?"

Draco's regained confidence quickly drained. This was definitely an easy question to say the wrong answer to.

"Feelings…" Draco began, "aren't adequate enough to describe the Dark Lord. He is all powerful, all knowing, and is by far the most powerful wizard ever known to walk the earth. My allegiance is to him and his work."

"Hmm…Very good answer, Draco."

Draco, relieved by the questioner's response, waggled his eyebrows once more. Were they on a first name basis, now?

A series of questions were asked, with Draco spouting off the most Slytherin answers he could. Occasionally he would say a rather groveling answer in conjunction with an attitude of service towards He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named, but none-the-less, Draco felt he was making an impression…when finally they reached the last questions.

"Draco Malfoy; would you be willing to kill Harry Potter?"

"Of course." Draco answered within a heartbeat. Before he could even finish saying "course", his neck seemed to clench. His arms suddenly felt very sore, and his legs felt very numb.

He couldn't move.

"Would you be willing to kill Harry Potter, at the risk of your own life and reputation with the non-Death Eater world, the minute you are back at Hogwarts?"

Draco, regardless of his now labored breathing, would have had a difficult time answering. Right now? He hated Harry Potter, but he was only sixteen. He had no intention on being thrown in Azkaban with his father so young. Why, he hadn't even fully opened his presents yet!

"That's what I thought." The voice answered to Draco's wordless reply.

The invisible restraints on the young Malfoy's body lifted. Heaving deep breaths, the murky light filled the room once more.

"You will return to Hogwarts; and you will kill Harry Potter."

"What?" Draco hissed. He rubbed his legs, trying to regain feeling in them. While he did this, though, he felt his fingers brush across something wet. Blood? When had he cut himself? With that thought, he saw the glint of something red somehow shining throughout the room. It came from a small vial held in the hands of the questioning Death Eater.

"Your blood, Draco."

"My…?" Before Draco could finish, he realized what he had done; the answer of "of course" to the earlier question had been sealed as oath with his own blood.

"Aw, sh-"

"Such language, young Draco."

"Shouldn't you be calling me Mr. Malfoy?" Draco sneered, angry for being taken advantage of, and fearful for being indebted to the Dark Lord; especially when he was not yet a death eater.

He felt a slap to his cheek.

"You will gain that respect once you've earned it!" The voice sneered. He then asked, quizzically, "Why did you slap yourself?"

Draco realized he had slapped himself. "Oh, um, well, I don't really know w-"

Before he could finish, the Death Easter stepped through the gloom, and the blonde-haired boy vaguely distinguished his face. He looked vaguely familiar.

"Who are you?" Draco boldly asked.

The murky face smirked. "Regulus. Regulus Black."

**...to be continued?**

**Note:** **I AM SO, SO, SO SORRY FOR MAKING ANY OF YOU READING THIS**. I deeply, deeply apologize for making this chapter NOT be funny, and have something of a plot. Thank you for reading, as always. Reviews are always welcome. I promise their won't be another chapter this plot laden, so don't worry MiSSxMELON!


	14. The It's About Time Chapter

**Harry Potter and the Average Asian**

Harry closed his eyes tightly, not believing what he was feeling. His body was tensed, his stomach felt tight. Breathing heavily, he gasped out loud, about to scream, when…

"Harry?" Said a knock on the door.

"UGH!" Harry said, pulling his pants up, jumping out of bed, and reaching for the door. It was godda…it was Ginny.

"What do you want?"

"Harry…I'm sorry, I have to use the bathroom, and I can't get it unlocked. I think I need something to lubricate the lock…"

Harry winced at her choice of words, and continued frowning at her, having been interrupted from his…sleep.

"Can't you use a spell?"

"I tried that!" Ginny said, exasperatedly. "Could I borrow some of that lotion I saw in your room the other day?"

Harry blushed. "I don't know what you're talking about. Here, let me try and help…" With that, he fully buttoned his pants, and grabbed for his robe. They then began to make their way to the common room lavatories.

Harry followed Ginny, and began to think…

Where, exactly, had Ginny come from? He realized he hadn't seen her since Christmas. He then slowly came to a realization that he hadn't seen several people for quite awhile. It was like him not realizing skeletal horses pulled the school carriages until his 5th year, or realizing that Ron was slightly bisexual. Harry then came to the realization that he was very slow at realizing things.

"Harry!"

"What, what!" Harry asked, spinning around.

"Right here, Harry." Ginny said, waving her pallid hand in front of his face.

"Oh, right, right…"

"Harry, what's been going on with you, lately? You've barely talked to me…"

"I didn't know you were still here!"

"Harry, where else would I go?"

"Good point, Ginn…Ginny?"

Harry stopped dead in his tracks, his whole body turning cold.

"Hello, Harry."

"Voldemort."

The next thing he knew, Harry was in a strange, new place.

"Where am I…?" He asked no one in particular.

"A strange, new place, Harry…"

Harry stood up, realizing he was on the floor with his trousers around his legs.

"Who's there!" He called out, frightened.

"Harry…it's me…" The voice whispered.

"…April?"

A small, thin Asian girl popped out. "April, it IS you!" Harry said, joy flooding his features. He hugged April tightly.

"Harry," April said, giggling, "shouldn't you pull up your pants?"

"Oh…" Harry blushed. "Right…er…sorry." Buttoning his pants back up, Harry looked around, taking April's hand. "Do you know where we are, exactly?"

April sighed. "Sort of…"

"Sort of?"

"Well…I don't know…" She sighed again.

"April! Where are we?"

"What? Oh! We're in Voldemort's castle."

"Castle?" Harry said in disbelief. "He has a…castle?"

"Well, shouldn't he?"

"You know what should be going on, April?" Harry questioned.

"No, what?" April giggled in reply.

"I really think the filler in this chapter needs to stop"

* * *

Draco snorted, and wiped drool from his pallid face, as his eyes droopily opened. He had been asleep? When had he fallen asleep…?

"Oh yeah!" Draco shouted, realizing he had been hiding under Harry's bed, waiting to kill him, obviously.

Of course, it was still the middle of the night, and there were currently four other boys in the dormitory.

"MALFOY?" Ron shouted, arous…rousing the other boys.

Draco cursed himself for not talking quietly to himself…or at least thinking what he wanted to say. Rolling out from under the bed, he raised his wand and a clothes-hanger he had fashioned into a blade of sorts.

"Bring your worst, Weasel. I'll take all of you and then kill Potter!"

Ron blanched, his face screwed up. He shot a nervous glance around for his Metamucil. Dean Thomas, however, managed to rescue Ron from uncertain doom.

"Malfoy," Dean said, his voice smooth and much like Barry White's, "what's that white stuff around your mouth?"

"What?" Draco said, blushing with embarrassment. The drool he had leaked while sleeping had dried along his chin and lips.

At this, the other three boys present gasped. "Weren't you in Harry's bed!"

"No, no, I was at the bottom…" Malfoy said, trying to explain how he was waiting to kill Harry.

"WHAT WERE YOU AND HARRY DOING?" Ron gasped.

"Ugh." Draco said. He began waving both his wand and clothes-hanger-katana around, frantically trying to explain. "No, you see…"

Neville, by this point, had fallen to the floor crying, while Seamus ogled Malfoy's behind. Ron and Dean looked at Malfoy with utter disbelief, disgust, and without actually having any udders.

"Ugh." Malfoy said, and took his own life.

* * *

Harry, gripping April's hand, made his way into a large, circular room deep inside the castle. As soon as he reached the middle of the room, all exits were sealed.

"Harry, your grip is really strong…"

"Oh, must be from Quidditch…"

"Really?"

"Are you certain that's where you developed your 'grip'?"

Only, it wasn't Harry or April issuing the last statement. It was a voice that sent cold, vicious chills through the body.

"I can possess you, after all…" The voice continued.

"VOLDEMORT!" Harry gasped, as a dark figure rose from the floor.

"Ah, yes, Potter. So we meet again." Voldemort hissed, his red eyes flashing from beneath the ebony hood he wore.

"So you were behind all of the disappearances at school!" Harry said, filling in gaps in his mind.

"Ah, am I really behind anything, Potter?" Voldemort said maliciously.

"What?" Harry said, confusion somewhat ebbing his cold fear.

"Actually, you're in front of us!" April giggled.

Voldemort raised what would have been eyebrows, had he had them. "Ah yes, the one other person we wanted…"

"Me?" April said, her eyes wide.

"Her?" Harry said, feeling guilty for having dragged April into danger.

"Yes, my master will be pleased…" Voldemort laughed evilly.

"MASTER?" Both Harry and April gasped. Voldemort wasn't in charge!

Out of the darkness behind Voldemort, came a pair of beady, sinister eyes.

Harry felt himself go numb with fear. These were the eyes in his dreams, his nightmares, and the eyes that had been following him all his life…or at least the last year…

"Sniff, sniff." Came a snort from the eyes as they grew closer, beadier, and more sinister.

"Hello." Said the voice.

April screamed and drew back, fear written all over her face.

"Meet my master…" Voldemort hissed with glee.

"…Z-MAN!"

**...to be continued?**

**Note:** Wtf? Someone just stop me right now.


	15. The End!

**Harry Potter and the Average Asian**

A cold fear gripped Harry. He felt his face go pale, his body shake, and his glasses tremble. He had never felt such terror before.

"Snort" The figure of the Z-Man said, striking even more terror into Harry's heart. He honestly had never felt so scared in his life.

"Scared, Potter?" Z-Man asked, sneering and sniffling.

"F!" Came a scream from beside the sixteen year old boy. April had stubbed her toe.

Z-Man appeared entranced by the young Asian. His already pinkish face flushed, and he adjusted his glasses.

Glasses?

"Er, I uh, see you wear glasses?" Harry said, trying to appear fearless.

Z-Man adjusted his glasses non-chalantly, pushing them up the bridge of his nose with his thumb. "No really, do I? Thanks for telling me that Potter." The horrible villain said sarcastically, continuing to stare at April.

Then something caught Harry's eye. Was Z-Man…?

"Master…" Voldemort hissed from Z-Man's side.

"WHAT?" Z-Man squeaked irritably. He was now grinning quite stupidly at April, who was now staring off into space.

Voldemort whispered to Z-Man something. Harry guessed it was what he was thinking, since Z-Man blushed bright red.

Z-Man had a bon-

"Er, excuse me?" Harry said.

"What is it?" Z-Man squealed, sticking his hand in his pocket.

"Do you ever think about it?" April piped in.

"Think about what?"

"You know…" Harry said, motioning to his crotch. He then wiggled his finger and began pumping it into his hand. Z-Man appeared confused.

"Wanking?" Voldemort piped in helpfully. Harry grinned, "Yes, thank you. Do you, Z-Man?"

April giggled.

While this exchange was going on, Z-Man's face had become so red, that Ron's hair looked gray in comparison. "What are you all talking about!" Z-Man snorted.

"Master…" Voldemort said to Z-Man.

"Bation?" April said, interrupting happily.

Z-Man could take no more. "SO WHAT IF I DO?"

Voldemort looked taken aback. Harry grimaced as he got the mental image. April giggled and picked a piece of rice from her robes, while thinking about eels in caves.

"There's no shame in it, it's perfectly healthy!" Remus Lupin said matter-of-factly. "Why, I do it all the time!"

"I do too…" Harry said, blushing. "In fact, I was doing it before I came here…"

"Really!" April said, smiling widely. "So was I! I like to think about things in Church." She said, smiling.

"I like to think about Asians." Harry said, blushing, hoping April wouldn't catch on.

"I think about sex during my Death Eater meetings. Lucius' hair is quite fetching behind his mask…" Voldemort admitted. Peeping down his robe, he sighed dramatically. "It's a shame I'm missing some things with this new body…"

"I think I'm so horny because of all that chocolate I eat," Lupin noted thoughtfully.

"Hey, Lupin, when did you get here?"

* * *

Meanwhile…

Draco, as seen in the previous chapter, had taken his own life.

That's right; he had taken his own life and changed it around! Draco finally found his true self, and got rid of his old ways. He was currently dancing arm-in-arm with Ron, while Dean and Seamus did the same with each other. Neville sat forlornly in a corner, apparently sharting himself.

"Wow, Draco, I didn't know you were such a dancer!" Dean laughed, while twirling Seamus in a circle. Seamus giggled.

"Well, you learn more than just murdering and pillaging during the Death Eater meetings!" Draco cheered, continuing his jig with Ron.

Ron blanched slightly at the Death Eater reference, but happily looped his arms around Draco, beginning to dance cheek to cheek.

A little while after their dancing, they grew tired and rested by standing still. Ron then began to feel a little queasy.

"You guys?" He questioned uneasily. "Does this mean we're…gay?"

Seamus nodded happily, while the others looked equally uneasy.

"Bunch of arse bandits." Neville said disgustedly, before jumping out the window.

* * *

"WE DID IT HARRY, WE DID IT!" April said gleefully! She, Harry Potter, and Professor Remus Jollywollywankins Lupin stood over the pile of clothes that once belonged to Z-Man. Having been completely overtaken with embarassment, Z-Man had exploded and Voldemort had promptly fled. 

Harry at once broke into sobs. His success in defeating such a dark wizard had left him both triumphant and emotionally traumatized. He didn't think he could ever fully masturbate again. Well, at least not for a day or so.

April put her arm around him as he began to cry more. "It's alright, Harry, it's alright…"

"BUT HE WAS THEIR FRIEND. HE WAS THEIR FRIEND."

April stared at him. Harry looked puzzled, and then a look of realization hit him.

"Oh, I mean…CEDRIIIIIIIIIIIIIC. No?" Harry said, still seeing her puzzled look. "Am I on the wrong book?"

April's eyes went wide, and shook her head, hoping Harry's insanity wouldn't lead to violence.

And with that, they walked into the sunset, leaving Lupin to prod Z-Man's clothes with his shoe.

At the end of the year feast, Dumbledore thanked and congratulated Harry Potter on having defeated the dark wizard Z-Man, who no one had ever heard of, and for rescuing countless students that no one had particularly missed. He also said thank you to April for having stayed at Hogwarts for the year, and protecting Harry Potter. April giggled loudly in reply, spooning peanut butter onto her plate.

And soon, the feast came to an end, as did Harry's 6th year. Harry looked back and reflected on the past year. He had discovered that Snape was a vampire after necking with him, that Ginny was even more annoying than he had previously thought, never to leave his lubricant out, and to never stay in a room alone with Ron. They all also discovered that Neville could fly, after he jumped out their dormitory window and promptly flew to Azerbaijan and back. When the four other boys in the dormitory that day were asked why Neville jumped out the window in the first place, no one ever could answer. Blushes and the appearance of a hard-on were usually the response.

On Platform 9 ¾ the morning Hogwarts was officially dismissed, Harry finally got up the nerve to tell April how he felt for her all year.

"Coughlookoverhere." Harry coughed. April looked at him.

"Bless you, Harry." She smiled.

Harry's liver fluttered. "Well, I didn't actually sneeze, but thank you April…I have something to tell you." Harry took a deep breath. "I…"

"HARRY, GET OUT OF BED!" Ron shouted. Harry rubbed his eyes with the palm of his hand.

"Bloody hell, Ron! I was just about to tell April that I fancied her!" Harry shouted.

"Are you off the mickey? It's not April, it's only September!" Ron said, dancing around naked in attempts to quickly find underwear.

Harry then realized he was in his bed at Grimmauld Place. Looking at a calendar on the wall, he discovered it was September 1st; the first day of school.

Harry felt like crying. Had he just dreamed his whole last year? There was no April…

"Hurry up, Harry! We're going to be late!" Ron shouted.

"What's the point Ron? I already did my 6th year in my head!" Harry said, wiping at furious tears.

Ron blanched, tugging his pants on as he toppled over a nearby chair. "Oh, er, well, that's nice Harry, but we already did our 6th year outside of our heads, remember?" Ron said, wording his question as if Harry was a 5 year old.

Harry then threw the sheets off his bed, sitting upright. "YOU MEAN WE'RE GOING INTO OUR 7th YEAR?"

Ron stopped his constant tumbling about the room in search of clothes to look at Harry. "Harry, are you retarded?"

Harry shot a look at him. "So…is April still here?"

Ron raised an eyebrow, twisting his face into a grimace. "Blimey Harry, maybe if you hadn't slept through the whole summer, you wouldn't have to ask me so many questions…"

"HARRY!" Said a small Asian, appearing and toppling Harry back onto his pillow.

"ACK!" Ron yelled from the chair he was currently laying horizontally across. He hastily attempted to hide any of his jigglybits still poking from the top of his jeans.

"APRIL!" Harry said, enveloping her in a hug. "Are you still coming back to Hogwarts?"

"Yes, I'm your new Sex-Ed professor!" She said happily.

"Er…?" Harry questioned seriously, before April's stair grew more serious then even his. She shot a covert look at Ron, then slid Harry a folded piece of paper. "This is for you."

Harry's left eyebrow shot into his hair. "Well, I assumed…" Unfolding it, he gasped.

Drawn onto the paper was a pair of beady, sinister eyes, with the handwriting underneath saying…

I don't masturbate. Please stop bringing it up. Stop bringing it up! Okay! It's over, stop bringing it up alright? VOLDEMORT STOP TICKLING ME THERE.

**...The End!**

**Note:** I may or may not add an epilogue. I might do that just for a longer author's note, since this story has been with me for well over a year. This chapter was part of a Christmas present for my dear old chap, Kristin, who you may find on here as bonkythedinosaur. She writes real good stuff, I suggest you check her out. ;) But yes, Merry Christmas Kristin Potter! And Merry Christmas to all of you! I hope you all enjoyed the ride on this horrible parody. HAPPY HOLIDAYS!


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